kudos & kvetches

Beg our pardon: KK Atones, Part I

For some reason, KK missed its annual Yom Kippur atonement series-either because unbeknownst to us Yom Kippur occurred in October this year or we subconsciously forgot on purpose, thus giving us something else to atone for. Regardless, we’re making up for it. Starting now until Christmas, KK’s guilt-ridden souls will confess our most shame-filled, despicable acts and egregious errors in judgment for your reading pleasure. We’re also asking readers to send in their mea culpas to kk@vancourier.com, which we’ll post anonymously, thus making your atonement more meaningful. You’re welcome.

. In the summer of Grade 10 we stole a bottle of our dad’s homemade wine and drank half of it at a friend’s party. Although we didn’t feel drunk, we pretended to be by balancing a pillow on our head and claiming to hallucinate because that’s how we thought drunk people behaved. Sorry, Dad, for stealing your wine. Sorry, high school friends, who had to witness us acting like an ass.

. Shortly after our parents separated, our mother got a perm with “frosted” highlights. Because we were still angry and confused about her leaving our father, when she asked us what we thought of her new hairdo we told her she looked like a hooker. She’s never gotten a perm or frosted highlights since. Sorry, Mom, for saying you looked like a hooker. Sorry, sex trade workers, for using the word “hooker” in such a derogatory way.

Border buddies

If there’s one thing we’ve learned from our many trips to the United States-besides the ongoing awesomeness of Nordstrom Rack and happy hours-is that crossing the border can be a pain in our Canadian behinds. When we consider all the hours spent in line, the grumpy border guards, the scrutinizing, the unwarranted feelings of guilt and the $75 we had to pay in duty on two $16 bottles of booze, driving across the U.S.-Canadian border feels as enjoyable as sitting through Weekend at Bernie’s II. (One party-filled weekend with a dead body is believable- but two?)

Anyway, we were stoked to learn that Canada and the U.S. unveiled plans Wednesday to coordinate border protection by developing common practices and measures to better guard against terrorism and speed up crossborder traffic. Although we were a little tipsy from drinking our smuggled American booze, we think we managed to glean the key points of this new arrangement. They are as follows:

. In addition to asking travellers where they are headed and for how long, border guards will now ask more probing, esoteric questions, such as “Do these pants make my ass look fat?” “Can I get a what what?” and “Who let the dogs out?”

. Certain American and Canadian companies who frequently ship goods across the border will be given “trusted” status, making travel easier. A selected few will be given “homie” status. But only one from each country will be considered “BFF.”

. Prime Minister Stephen Harper will no longer be charged duty on his subscription to Massacring the Beatles on Piano Monthly.

. Border guards will now be permitted to smile for 2.5 seconds per vehicle.

. Canadians travelling south just to obtain inexpensive blocks of cheese will be able to do so via a designated “Cheese Lane,” which will inevitably be nicknamed the “Havarti Highway.”